The long walk: From desert sand to raging water

There I was, standing in the middle of a vast desert, sand stretching for as far as the eye could see.  I was lost and did not know where to go from there.  The journey had been long, the sand was hot, my feet were worn, and I lacked the energy or motivation to continue.  With a desperate cry, I looked up to the sky and saw a bird soaring with such poise and finesse, weightless as it rode the wind.  I turned to follow the bird as it flew in the opposite direction, and I found myself facing a long, windy path of sandy footprints.

Behind me, I discovered the many footsteps taken to arrive to my current place in the desert.  My eyes followed the footsteps as they curved from one direction to another, winding up steep sand dunes and avoiding large rocks and other obstacles.  I noticed shaded darkness at some points, heard the cries, and felt the pain in my heart as I recalled those moments.  I noticed the warm periods of brightness, heard the laughter, and felt the joy in my heart as I recalled those moments of the journey.  

My eyes counted the steps, far exceeding the necessary amount to walk from one point to another; however, every step was required to carry me to my current place.  Some steps were close together and others were widely spaced.  There were times during the journey when I was apprehensive and slowly walked in an unsure direction, and then there were times when I confidently ran in a clear direction.  

After examining the path taken thus far, I realized that each step was crucial in guiding me to this point in the desert.  As I turned and faced the unmarked sand in front of me, I noticed something that was not there before.  Far into the distance, I saw the shore, with waves crashing into the sand.  The wind blew the salty sea air and I heard melodious voices calling out to me:  “Come to the water!”  A calming peace consumed me and my many steps made from hope and love, were finally answered with joy.

There it was before me:  a destination.  My journey in the desert may not be over, but now I was finally headed somewhere.  I knew that crossing the desert was only the beginning of the journey and there might be a day when I find myself crossing another desert, but every rough terrain is a necessary part of the journey.  Hopefully once I make it out of the desert and onto the shore, I will have enough faith to walk on water.  However, that is step 157, and luckily I am only on step 86.  Infinite footsteps await me, but I must be ever mindful that God will always provide a guiding light throughout the journey.  

Take one step at a time.  

Let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. 

Don’t miss out on the present by worrying about the future.

It is God’s will for you to be YOU.

Lord, help me to keep straight the path to you, being ever mindful of all the dangers the desert may bring.  May I keep my eyes toward the shore and my feet walking ever closer to you.  My heart desires to walk with you.  Bring me out of the desert and into the water.  Amen. 

Waiting in Joyful Hope

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  ~Jeremiah 29:11

At my college graduation, my mother gave me a very special ring.  It is a simple silver band with this bible passage etched on the outside.  I wear it daily to remind myself of how much my parents love me and how proud of me they are and that my life has purpose, that God designed me to do great things.

I have spent about the past 2 or 3 years of my life obsessing over whether God is calling me to a religious vocation, and if so... which community?  Where were moments on both sides of the pendulum... feelings that I could never be truly happy in life without consecrating myself fully to Christ.  And there are moments when I am at the wedding of two of my close friends and I find myself planning my own wedding and looking forward to having a husband and raising a family.

The back and forth is exhausting, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it.  I just want God to tell me now... which one is it?  Should I really stop pretend picking out wedding dresses with my friends?  Should I drop out of grad school and join a religious community now?  No and no...

God doesn't operate on our time, nor does he answer our prayers the way we think he should.  However, he does always listen to us and he does always provide an answer.  I pray, "God, should I be a religious sister or get married?"  First, he probably laughs because I don't even have a boyfriend, or even a man I'm considering marrying.  But then... he answers.

Be patient, my child, for I know my plans for you.  Plans that will bring you everlasting joy and will give you peace.  I know you struggle.  I know of your heart ache and how you long to be whole.  Be patient, Kara.  Your time will come.  It is my will for you to be 23 years old right now.  It is my will that you are a Catholic Worker at the St. Hedwig Haus of Hospitality.  It is my will that you are a graduate student studying speech pathology.  All of these are great things and are preparing you for what is to come.  Live each moment, Kara.  Don't miss out on the present by worrying about the future.  Trust me.  Have a little faith.  I am with you always.  My love for you is eternal and may you always feel that during times of doubt and despair.  Stay in the struggle, Kara.  Stay in the struggle.  You will know when your time has come.  May you wait in joyful hope... patiently waiting for me to reveal my plans for you... to bestow on you the most precious gift... your vocation.  For now, carry out the vocation to love and grow in holiness.  The greatest gift you can give those you serve is yourself, and you don't need me to tell you whether to be a religious sister to share that gift with others.  Go forth.  Live the gospel and bring about the Kingdom.  Be on the lookout for grace and remember my love for you.  Whenever you feel frustrated or abandoned, recall what you are thankful for.  I guarantee I was there during those times and may that remind you that I am there during the bad times too.  You can't escape my love, Kara.  Remember that.  As you grow closer to me, and grow in that love... you WILL be whole.  The emptiness you feel now will vanish.  THAT is my greatest plan for you.  Everything else is just commentary.

Conversations with the Daughters of Charity=DANGER! :)

(taken from a journal entry during my stay with the Daughters of Charity on my own Alternative, Alternative Spring Break trip to Evansville, IN, on March 14, 2012)

The wisdom shared between generations amazes me.  Sr. Margaret, a 94-year-old Daughter of Charity, met with me and shared her story and discussed the future of the church.  She made some predictions and I will dub her a prophet if they come true.  She predicted that someday the Daughters of Charity will wear a habit, but one of the things that struck me most during our conversation was that she kept saying that there wasn't a need for them anymore, which makes me wonder why I feel so called to join a religious community.

I think our Church is on the brink of change.  The role of religious in the Church will evolve and it makes me wonder what my part will be in all of it.  What is the future of religious communities in the Church?  Will lay ministers run everything and priests administer the sacraments?  I don't think so.  I think religious are still a vital part of the Church, but in the future they may not hold positions as nurses or teachers.  What they do will be less important than who they are and how they channel God's love to others.

So what about me?  What is my role in all of this?  I feel God calling me toward the Daughters of Charity for what... to serve the poor with a bunch of women my grandmother's age and then live without a community for the rest of my life?  I worry so much about the future when I really should just get out of bed every morning and live each day at a time.

I was talking with Sr. Theresa the other day about this very concern.  I feel called to be a religious sister but I don't want to be alone as the other sisters age and to be quite honest, I am a young woman who appreciates a bit of young company.  I mean, I don't need to always be around women my age, but now and again, it would be refreshing.  

During the conversation, I finally said, "Maybe I should just start my own community."  Sr. Theresa asked me, "What would your community look like?" I thought about it for a minute and all I could think of was everything I have been doing while working with the Daughters of Charity:  serving the poor with my whole heart, walking with them on their journey and sharing our stories.  So I responded, "There are too many new ones.  Maybe I will just reform an existing community."  Sr. Theresa's eyebrows perked up and she asked, "What would you change?"

And you know what?  I instantly went back to 19th century France when Rosalie Rendu joined the Daughters of Charity after the Revolution, when the sisters where rebuilding their presence in the community.  Rosalie had courage to enter a community in the process of redefining themselves in response to the new government and demands of the time.  She didn't know what the future would bring. She didn't know what she would find herself at the barricades trying to make peace.  She didn't know that a young and impetuous college student would come to her to gain wisdom and learn how to serve the poor, eventually founding the Society of St. Vincent de Paul.  All she did was respond to God's call with a yes and do whatever was needed of her.

I think when Christ meets Christ, his true presence is made known.  When we serve the poor, we walk in Jesus' footsteps, where love meets no boundaries and we are able to reach out to the meek and the lowly.  But we must also remember that when we see the poor, we see Christ, for those who suffer are closest to Him.  When we look into the eyes of the poor, we see our Lord.  So I will say it again, when Christ meets Christ, His true presence is made known.  When I serve the poor, I feel closest to Him and honestly, there is no greater happiness on earth.

So I think about my answer to Sr. Theresa, "What would I change?"  Well, I wouldn't be the one changing anything.  I think God is calling us closer to him and it may be in ways that are different than what the Daughters of Charity do right now.

Sr. Margaret said there is not a need like there once was and I agree... there is a different need.  The Daughters of Charity may not be opening hospitals, schools, homeless shelters, or a number of other ministries like they once did, but there is still a need for them.  There is a need for "True Charity" and this true charity lies in the hearts of Rosalie, Louise, and all the Daughters of Charity.  True charity is where Christ meets Christ and His true presence is made known.

I feel called to this radical charity.  Though I may not know exactly what that may look like for me, my spirit is drawn to it and I cannot escape this desire.  Am I a little worried about the future of the Daughters of Charity?  Sure, but I believe God works through all of this.  Rosalie joined after the French Revolution when there were few sisters.  Why did she join?  Was she afraid?  They say, "If you build it, they will come."  Well, perhaps I will just focus on doing my part in bringing about the Kingdom of God and maybe the rest will just take care of itself in the process.  Trust in the Lord and surrender to His will.

My Vocation to "Wholiness"

*This is a talk I gave in March 2011.   I am posting it because it is still how I feel and is still something I struggle with today.  Lord, help me to by "Wholy."

This weekend, I went for a run... though I would rather like to call it a marathon. It wasn't a race with numbers to clip to yourself, there wasn't a winner with a trophy, and no one was keeping time to see if they broke a record. It was all the way in Indianapolis and part of the challenge was getting myself there... you see, I have never been to Indy and I was so scared to drive there all by myself, but as evidence shows... I did in fact make there and back in one piece.

You see... I was on a Nun Run (did she just say nun? Gasp!) Yes... I did say nun. I traveled around Indianapolis with five other young women spending time with five different religious communities, learning about their foundings, spiritualities, and most importantly... experiencing holiness in a variety of ways.

You may be wondering, why would Kara go on a nun run... is she like... gonna be a nun? Well, you and I are wondering the same thing and I don't have an answer for ya. I have been discerning religious life for a really like time now, since like freshman year of high school. When I used to hear the word vocation I thought it meant either married life, single life, or religious life and I would play eenie, meenie, minie, mo with God everyday... pleading with him for an answer. What was my vocation?

Then this summer, I learned about a universal vocation that we all have. I went on a pilgrimage to Europe and those two weeks traveling around France, Spain, and Portugal, visiting holy site after holy site could be a week long testimony in itself, so I will not share about everything, but I will share an afternoon with you. We were in Avila, Spain... Home of St. Theresa of the Child Jesus... a doctor of the church. We had spent the morning at the Carmelite Monastery there St. Theresa lived and I had a big moment there. I met the Mother Superior at that convent and just being there, visiting with her... I can't really describe it. Sorry. I will say that when I was in the monastery, there was such a sense of peace and when I was in the presence of Madre Carmen, overwhelming joy. This was a very holy place.

So, after being at the convent, I needed some time in prayer and reflection and found myself spending the afternoon with a new friend I had met from the pilgrimage. Max was a seminarian preparing to become a Franciscan Friar of the Renewal and he is the one who got me on this “holiness kick.” We were walking around Avila, talking and he asked me if I had considered religious life. I kind of lost my breath for a second and my heart was racing. How did he know? Do I have this “nunly ora” radiating from me with a big sign over my head that says “discerner, discerner.” I answered yes and then we sat down and talked about discernment. I told him everything... the first time I kind of felt the call was at my confirmation retreat and then all during high school, I kind of ignored it because I didn't want to deal with it. But then I got to college and I mean, there is a lot of future preparations going on. People are picking majors, planning careers, and all I can think about is what God is calling me to do with my life. What is my vocation?

I told Max that I went on this pilgrimage to find peace. If you look in my journal, I named it “A Pilgrimage for Peace.” I told him that I wanted to end this pilgrimage at peace with my vocation. I wanted to know if I was going to be a religious sister or not. He was quiet for a minute and I was thinking, oh gosh... I have said too much... dang it. Then he looked up and was like, Kara, I am going to share with you something my spiritual director shared with me during my discernment. Don't get so caught up in asking God if you are called to religious life. Instead, answer the universal call to holiness. We are all called to be holy, to be saints and it is from that holiness that we can figure the rest out. I just sat there for a minute. Holiness... what is holiness? How am I called to be holy?

Well, that was about 8 months ago and I am still working on it. I initially thought that being holy meant being religious. Fr. John is holy... he is a priest, celebrates mass everyday, prays the divine office... yep... that's holiness. I looked at Madre Carmen... she's a Carmelite nun... SOOOOO holy. She prays all day, is cloistered, and stays in her “little heaven” of a monastery as she calls it. I'd say that's holy. Then I looked at the Saints... though I wouldn't say they all were particularly holy their whole lives... some very not holy actually... they still had eventually reached that conversion and had lived their lives in such a way that they were canonized by the Catholic church as Saints. But what about everyone who is not canonized as a Saint? Do they not also live good, holy lives? Of course they do.

There isn't one way to be holy. Even though we all have that universal call to holiness, we respond to that call in our own, individual ways. We are equipped with gifts unique to ourselves that help us live out that vocation.

Once I made this holy distinction, I spent some time pondering how I am to answer that call. One might say I was obsessed with it. I wanted desperately to be holy... so I took it to prayer. I went to adoration one night at Newman and wrote a chaplet for holiness. It is a prayer prayed on rosary beads, but instead of Hail Marys, Glory Bes, and Our Fathers, I wrote different prayers for holiness to be said on the beads. So I was sitting in the chapel, had just finished my chaplet and then I got thinking and this voice/thought came into my head. Hey Kara... you are holy silly! I made you in my image and likeness... you were holy from the very beginning. Stop obsessing and live out that holiness. Use your gifts to glorify me in all that you do... that is answering the call.

Glorify me in all that you do... hm... so it's not glorify me in some of the things you do, or sometimes when you want a break, you don't have to glorify me and can just do whatever, even though the whole time you are making unholy choices I will be tugging at your heart, kind of ruining the rebellion... yeah... I am a pretty bad rebel... my guilt ruined the rebellion. Even though, I don't completely have this part down... the whole glorifying God in all that I do... holiness is a vocation right... not a vacation. It isn't something you do for a weekend and are like, high-five, that weekend of holiness was really great. I glorified you real good for 3 days. What a vacation. No... it is a vocation. It is something that we are called to do for our whole lives, and part of that means that it is a process. We won't necessarily get it right the whole time, but we gotta keep at it.

So... I kind of figured out what holiness was... but how am I called to be holy? That is where this weekend comes in again. I experienced five ways to exercise holiness during the nun run because each community glorified God in their respected ministries. The Daughters of Charity serve the poor, the Little Sisters of the Poor serve the elderly in their nursing home, the Franciscans are teachers at a local university, the Sisters of Providence teach at an innercity Catholic High School, and the Sisters of St. Benedict live in a monastery and run a retreat center. But holiness isn't just exercised in ministry, it comes about in every choice we make, in ALL THAT WE DO. Each community had it's own prayer life, it's own spirituality, its own charisms 

I will close with this: When I was in religion class in Catholic School growing up, we were learning about First Holy Communion. When I was writing Holy Communion, I would always write it with a “w” at the beginning... as in wholey and I would get so mad when my teacher would mark it wrong. Looking back... I mean, I prolly just did it because I had spelling issues, but while preparing my testimony on holiness... I thought back to it. Why isn't holy spelled with a w? I know... there is probably a root word and etymology or something... but putting that all aside... answering that call to holiness, being holy... is about the whole person... glorifying God in all that we do: actions, thoughts, and prayer. Answering that call to wholiness... glorifying God in ALL that we do... becoming WHOLE!

Pendulum of Love

I have never considered myself a song writer or a poet, but this past weekend, I went on a Monastic Experience Retreat at the Carmelite Monastery in Terre Haute, IN.  While praying outside on a swing, I was inspired to write this song.

Pendulum of Love

Refrain:
Oh Lord I ask of you now,
will you answer my prayer?
Stop the swinging of my heart,
pierce it with your holy dart.

Oh Lord I ask of you now,
will you guide my life?
I want to answer your call,
hold me tight, may I not fall.

Verse 1:
I'm swinging away Lord,
back and forth I go.
This pendulum of love,
is powered from above.

Verse 2:
When love consumes fear,
I am overcome with peace.
Let the beating of my heart,
pound the rhythm of your love.

Verse 3:
God speaks to my heart,
asking what I desire.
I long to be whole,
mind, body, and soul.

Because my heart is torn,
craving more,
caught in this pendulum of love.

A "Holy Wrench" to screw in this nut

I am just going to come out and say it… this year has sucked… hardcore. Between being in my first “real” relationship and it ending, not being the most responsible student, and participating in a lot of 21 year old activities, I have managed to put myself in rough shape. Need I mention that I have been discerning my vocation harder than ever? I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do about it. No one understands what I am going through and it is hard to explain how I am feeling without sounding like I am complaining or making excuses.

I want to embrace this struggle that few people experience, but sometimes it gets too hard and I want to be normal. I want to be able to just focus on my classes and friends, but instead… I have this “holy wrench” that gets thrown into everything. Every choice I make, every action I take, includes the God factor: Is this what God wants for me? My whole life, I have been able to ask this question and make the right choice depending on the answer. However, this year, I have been a rebel.

In my quest to be normal, I have tried to unscrew this “holy wrench” from my life. I wanted to make my own decisions and not think about God in everything I do. But, as I have stated before… this year has sucked… hardcore. It doesn’t work that way for me. I cannot eliminate God from one part of my life, because if I try, I fail.

God and I have a unique relationship and this is where I have trouble explaining it to others and why I feel so alone. Jesus is more than my Savior, God is more than my Creator, and the Holy Spirit is more than my spiritual fuel. They are part of my everything. One reason that I feel called to the religious life is because of this unique relationship with Christ.

Without sounding completely insane, I am going to try and explain my relationship with Christ. Imagine this for a minute. Jesus and I have been together for a long time, establishing our roles in the relationship and developing a comfort with one another. He comes first and I pull a WWJD constantly. Everything I did, I did for him and I would often not even think about myself because I am nothing without him. I was created to be His hands and feet on earth, to bring Him to others by using the gifts I was given by Him. My purpose in life is to serve him… but being a servant can be exhausting at times. Being told what to do and how to live your life can be controlling at times. Was I sick of being Jesus’ servant? Was I sick of being the one giving myself up in the relationship? Oh Kara!!! 

          So I took a break from being his servant. I made my own decisions (poor ones) in a way to focus on me and put me first for once. Each time I ignored the “holy wrench” I could feel a part of me, a good part of me, slipping away. The fact that I had this feeling should have told me that Jesus never stopped loving me and the fact that I am in this struggle should tell me that He is pouring His heart out to me even more now. It took my 9-month rebellion for me to realize that the Lord has provided everything I need. I may have thought I needed a break from being his servant to figure out who I am, but since He is such a big part of me, I really am nothing without him. He needs to be in my life every step of the way. I need to talk to him about everything to decide if it is glorifying Him. I should not WANT to be "normal" because what I have with Christ is unique and special. I should embrace it and use that gift to help others build a relationship with Him too.

           So there it is in a nutshell. I may be a nut, but I try to be a holy nut… a holy nut waiting to be cracked by the “holy wrench,” so I may find my vocation and serve Him completely.  Every morning I ask the Lord what I am supposed to do with my life and He tells me to get out of bed. That is what I do. I get out of bed and try to be the best Kara I possibly can be. Sometimes I fail at this endeavor and then I get frustrated. Before I go to bed I ask God to guide my heart to follow Him. He tells me to close my eyes.

Discernment: Bringing God into the Conversation

We make it through life faced with decisions:  Where am I going to college?  What will be my major?  What will I do after graduation?  Should I marry this guy?  These are very normal questions that are asked and there are logical ways to answer them.  We consider cost, location, size, and areas of study when choosing a college.  We consider our joys and skills when choosing a major.  When it comes to graduation, we choose whether to continue our education in grad school, begin a career by joining the workforce, or even taking a year off.  And finally marriage... making the decision to spend the rest of your life with a person.  We consider chemistry, things we have in common, and the big one... L-O-V-E.  We can make choices by just taking into account these aspects of decision-making, or we can take a walk on the spiritual side of things and bring God into the conversation.

Imagine having God in your head during every decision you make.  It is like WWJD to the extreme.  When buying a new pair of boots I think, "Oh man, these are sexy" and then go on to plan an outfit with them for an imaginary date.  Then there is a little voice in my head going, "Hey, that's not important.  Don't worry about what's on your feet.  Are you glorifying me while you are walking in those boots?"  I consider how I reflect God in all that I do.  I try to live my life as a prayer, serving Him at all times.  God is a part of every decision I make, but that doesn't always mean I listen to that little voice in my head.  That voice is key in discernment because it reminds me that it's not about me, but rather all about Him and how I use my gifts to do His work on earth.

This blog is a documentation of my conversation with God, my discernment process.  I am a college student discerning my purpose in life and how I am called to serve God.  Am I to have a career and become a wife and mother, or am I called to be a religious sister?  Sure, this is a very personal matter and anyone reading this might be wondering why I would even want to share it with the World Wide Web. 

You see, discerning religious life is a very isolating experience.  Though my friends and family support me and are willing to listen to everything I am going through, they still don't understand.  I feel very alone which causes all kinds of emotions like anger and frustration.  I desperately want to be normal like my friends, worrying about my school work, but instead, I have God tugging at my heart and messing with MY plans.  I have this "holy wrench" that gets thrown into everything.  I consider God's plan now, rather than my plan, but here's the kicker:  I don't know His plan for me.  Through discernment, I hope to gain some pieces of that plan so I can take the steps needed to be what He is calling me to be.  I hope to find peace in the end.  Peace in my life whether I am a wife and mother or a religious sister.   

I don't know what I expect to get from this blog, but I hope it provides a glimpse of the struggle.  Discerning a religious vocation is conflicting:  wanting to be normal like my friends but then feeling called to sacrifice my wants and satisfy my need for holiness.  I also hope that this blog gives comfort to any young person in my shoes.  May they read this and know that they are not the only person out there struggling with this "holy wrench."  Follow me as I discern my vocation and make the choice between God or the guy.