A "Holy Wrench" to screw in this nut

I am just going to come out and say it… this year has sucked… hardcore. Between being in my first “real” relationship and it ending, not being the most responsible student, and participating in a lot of 21 year old activities, I have managed to put myself in rough shape. Need I mention that I have been discerning my vocation harder than ever? I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do about it. No one understands what I am going through and it is hard to explain how I am feeling without sounding like I am complaining or making excuses.

I want to embrace this struggle that few people experience, but sometimes it gets too hard and I want to be normal. I want to be able to just focus on my classes and friends, but instead… I have this “holy wrench” that gets thrown into everything. Every choice I make, every action I take, includes the God factor: Is this what God wants for me? My whole life, I have been able to ask this question and make the right choice depending on the answer. However, this year, I have been a rebel.

In my quest to be normal, I have tried to unscrew this “holy wrench” from my life. I wanted to make my own decisions and not think about God in everything I do. But, as I have stated before… this year has sucked… hardcore. It doesn’t work that way for me. I cannot eliminate God from one part of my life, because if I try, I fail.

God and I have a unique relationship and this is where I have trouble explaining it to others and why I feel so alone. Jesus is more than my Savior, God is more than my Creator, and the Holy Spirit is more than my spiritual fuel. They are part of my everything. One reason that I feel called to the religious life is because of this unique relationship with Christ.

Without sounding completely insane, I am going to try and explain my relationship with Christ. Imagine this for a minute. Jesus and I have been together for a long time, establishing our roles in the relationship and developing a comfort with one another. He comes first and I pull a WWJD constantly. Everything I did, I did for him and I would often not even think about myself because I am nothing without him. I was created to be His hands and feet on earth, to bring Him to others by using the gifts I was given by Him. My purpose in life is to serve him… but being a servant can be exhausting at times. Being told what to do and how to live your life can be controlling at times. Was I sick of being Jesus’ servant? Was I sick of being the one giving myself up in the relationship? Oh Kara!!! 

          So I took a break from being his servant. I made my own decisions (poor ones) in a way to focus on me and put me first for once. Each time I ignored the “holy wrench” I could feel a part of me, a good part of me, slipping away. The fact that I had this feeling should have told me that Jesus never stopped loving me and the fact that I am in this struggle should tell me that He is pouring His heart out to me even more now. It took my 9-month rebellion for me to realize that the Lord has provided everything I need. I may have thought I needed a break from being his servant to figure out who I am, but since He is such a big part of me, I really am nothing without him. He needs to be in my life every step of the way. I need to talk to him about everything to decide if it is glorifying Him. I should not WANT to be "normal" because what I have with Christ is unique and special. I should embrace it and use that gift to help others build a relationship with Him too.

           So there it is in a nutshell. I may be a nut, but I try to be a holy nut… a holy nut waiting to be cracked by the “holy wrench,” so I may find my vocation and serve Him completely.  Every morning I ask the Lord what I am supposed to do with my life and He tells me to get out of bed. That is what I do. I get out of bed and try to be the best Kara I possibly can be. Sometimes I fail at this endeavor and then I get frustrated. Before I go to bed I ask God to guide my heart to follow Him. He tells me to close my eyes.

Discernment: Bringing God into the Conversation

We make it through life faced with decisions:  Where am I going to college?  What will be my major?  What will I do after graduation?  Should I marry this guy?  These are very normal questions that are asked and there are logical ways to answer them.  We consider cost, location, size, and areas of study when choosing a college.  We consider our joys and skills when choosing a major.  When it comes to graduation, we choose whether to continue our education in grad school, begin a career by joining the workforce, or even taking a year off.  And finally marriage... making the decision to spend the rest of your life with a person.  We consider chemistry, things we have in common, and the big one... L-O-V-E.  We can make choices by just taking into account these aspects of decision-making, or we can take a walk on the spiritual side of things and bring God into the conversation.

Imagine having God in your head during every decision you make.  It is like WWJD to the extreme.  When buying a new pair of boots I think, "Oh man, these are sexy" and then go on to plan an outfit with them for an imaginary date.  Then there is a little voice in my head going, "Hey, that's not important.  Don't worry about what's on your feet.  Are you glorifying me while you are walking in those boots?"  I consider how I reflect God in all that I do.  I try to live my life as a prayer, serving Him at all times.  God is a part of every decision I make, but that doesn't always mean I listen to that little voice in my head.  That voice is key in discernment because it reminds me that it's not about me, but rather all about Him and how I use my gifts to do His work on earth.

This blog is a documentation of my conversation with God, my discernment process.  I am a college student discerning my purpose in life and how I am called to serve God.  Am I to have a career and become a wife and mother, or am I called to be a religious sister?  Sure, this is a very personal matter and anyone reading this might be wondering why I would even want to share it with the World Wide Web. 

You see, discerning religious life is a very isolating experience.  Though my friends and family support me and are willing to listen to everything I am going through, they still don't understand.  I feel very alone which causes all kinds of emotions like anger and frustration.  I desperately want to be normal like my friends, worrying about my school work, but instead, I have God tugging at my heart and messing with MY plans.  I have this "holy wrench" that gets thrown into everything.  I consider God's plan now, rather than my plan, but here's the kicker:  I don't know His plan for me.  Through discernment, I hope to gain some pieces of that plan so I can take the steps needed to be what He is calling me to be.  I hope to find peace in the end.  Peace in my life whether I am a wife and mother or a religious sister.   

I don't know what I expect to get from this blog, but I hope it provides a glimpse of the struggle.  Discerning a religious vocation is conflicting:  wanting to be normal like my friends but then feeling called to sacrifice my wants and satisfy my need for holiness.  I also hope that this blog gives comfort to any young person in my shoes.  May they read this and know that they are not the only person out there struggling with this "holy wrench."  Follow me as I discern my vocation and make the choice between God or the guy.