We make it through life faced with decisions: Where am I going to college? What will be my major? What will I do after graduation? Should I marry this guy? These are very normal questions that are asked and there are logical ways to answer them. We consider cost, location, size, and areas of study when choosing a college. We consider our joys and skills when choosing a major. When it comes to graduation, we choose whether to continue our education in grad school, begin a career by joining the workforce, or even taking a year off. And finally marriage... making the decision to spend the rest of your life with a person. We consider chemistry, things we have in common, and the big one... L-O-V-E. We can make choices by just taking into account these aspects of decision-making, or we can take a walk on the spiritual side of things and bring God into the conversation.
Imagine having God in your head during every decision you make. It is like WWJD to the extreme. When buying a new pair of boots I think, "Oh man, these are sexy" and then go on to plan an outfit with them for an imaginary date. Then there is a little voice in my head going, "Hey, that's not important. Don't worry about what's on your feet. Are you glorifying me while you are walking in those boots?" I consider how I reflect God in all that I do. I try to live my life as a prayer, serving Him at all times. God is a part of every decision I make, but that doesn't always mean I listen to that little voice in my head. That voice is key in discernment because it reminds me that it's not about me, but rather all about Him and how I use my gifts to do His work on earth.
This blog is a documentation of my conversation with God, my discernment process. I am a college student discerning my purpose in life and how I am called to serve God. Am I to have a career and become a wife and mother, or am I called to be a religious sister? Sure, this is a very personal matter and anyone reading this might be wondering why I would even want to share it with the World Wide Web.
You see, discerning religious life is a very isolating experience. Though my friends and family support me and are willing to listen to everything I am going through, they still don't understand. I feel very alone which causes all kinds of emotions like anger and frustration. I desperately want to be normal like my friends, worrying about my school work, but instead, I have God tugging at my heart and messing with MY plans. I have this "holy wrench" that gets thrown into everything. I consider God's plan now, rather than my plan, but here's the kicker: I don't know His plan for me. Through discernment, I hope to gain some pieces of that plan so I can take the steps needed to be what He is calling me to be. I hope to find peace in the end. Peace in my life whether I am a wife and mother or a religious sister.
I don't know what I expect to get from this blog, but I hope it provides a glimpse of the struggle. Discerning a religious vocation is conflicting: wanting to be normal like my friends but then feeling called to sacrifice my wants and satisfy my need for holiness. I also hope that this blog gives comfort to any young person in my shoes. May they read this and know that they are not the only person out there struggling with this "holy wrench." Follow me as I discern my vocation and make the choice between God or the guy.
