I am just going to come out and say it… this year has sucked… hardcore. Between being in my first “real” relationship and it ending, not being the most responsible student, and participating in a lot of 21 year old activities, I have managed to put myself in rough shape. Need I mention that I have been discerning my vocation harder than ever? I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do about it. No one understands what I am going through and it is hard to explain how I am feeling without sounding like I am complaining or making excuses.
I want to embrace this struggle that few people experience, but sometimes it gets too hard and I want to be normal. I want to be able to just focus on my classes and friends, but instead… I have this “holy wrench” that gets thrown into everything. Every choice I make, every action I take, includes the God factor: Is this what God wants for me? My whole life, I have been able to ask this question and make the right choice depending on the answer. However, this year, I have been a rebel.
In my quest to be normal, I have tried to unscrew this “holy wrench” from my life. I wanted to make my own decisions and not think about God in everything I do. But, as I have stated before… this year has sucked… hardcore. It doesn’t work that way for me. I cannot eliminate God from one part of my life, because if I try, I fail.
God and I have a unique relationship and this is where I have trouble explaining it to others and why I feel so alone. Jesus is more than my Savior, God is more than my Creator, and the Holy Spirit is more than my spiritual fuel. They are part of my everything. One reason that I feel called to the religious life is because of this unique relationship with Christ.
Without sounding completely insane, I am going to try and explain my relationship with Christ. Imagine this for a minute. Jesus and I have been together for a long time, establishing our roles in the relationship and developing a comfort with one another. He comes first and I pull a WWJD constantly. Everything I did, I did for him and I would often not even think about myself because I am nothing without him. I was created to be His hands and feet on earth, to bring Him to others by using the gifts I was given by Him. My purpose in life is to serve him… but being a servant can be exhausting at times. Being told what to do and how to live your life can be controlling at times. Was I sick of being Jesus’ servant? Was I sick of being the one giving myself up in the relationship? Oh Kara!!!
So I took a break from being his servant. I made my own decisions (poor ones) in a way to focus on me and put me first for once. Each time I ignored the “holy wrench” I could feel a part of me, a good part of me, slipping away. The fact that I had this feeling should have told me that Jesus never stopped loving me and the fact that I am in this struggle should tell me that He is pouring His heart out to me even more now. It took my 9-month rebellion for me to realize that the Lord has provided everything I need. I may have thought I needed a break from being his servant to figure out who I am, but since He is such a big part of me, I really am nothing without him. He needs to be in my life every step of the way. I need to talk to him about everything to decide if it is glorifying Him. I should not WANT to be "normal" because what I have with Christ is unique and special. I should embrace it and use that gift to help others build a relationship with Him too.
So there it is in a nutshell. I may be a nut, but I try to be a holy nut… a holy nut waiting to be cracked by the “holy wrench,” so I may find my vocation and serve Him completely. Every morning I ask the Lord what I am supposed to do with my life and He tells me to get out of bed. That is what I do. I get out of bed and try to be the best Kara I possibly can be. Sometimes I fail at this endeavor and then I get frustrated. Before I go to bed I ask God to guide my heart to follow Him. He tells me to close my eyes.
