"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
At my college graduation, my mother gave me a very special ring. It is a simple silver band with this bible passage etched on the outside. I wear it daily to remind myself of how much my parents love me and how proud of me they are and that my life has purpose, that God designed me to do great things.
I have spent about the past 2 or 3 years of my life obsessing over whether God is calling me to a religious vocation, and if so... which community? Where were moments on both sides of the pendulum... feelings that I could never be truly happy in life without consecrating myself fully to Christ. And there are moments when I am at the wedding of two of my close friends and I find myself planning my own wedding and looking forward to having a husband and raising a family.
The back and forth is exhausting, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I just want God to tell me now... which one is it? Should I really stop pretend picking out wedding dresses with my friends? Should I drop out of grad school and join a religious community now? No and no...
God doesn't operate on our time, nor does he answer our prayers the way we think he should. However, he does always listen to us and he does always provide an answer. I pray, "God, should I be a religious sister or get married?" First, he probably laughs because I don't even have a boyfriend, or even a man I'm considering marrying. But then... he answers.
Be patient, my child, for I know my plans for you. Plans that will bring you everlasting joy and will give you peace. I know you struggle. I know of your heart ache and how you long to be whole. Be patient, Kara. Your time will come. It is my will for you to be 23 years old right now. It is my will that you are a Catholic Worker at the St. Hedwig Haus of Hospitality. It is my will that you are a graduate student studying speech pathology. All of these are great things and are preparing you for what is to come. Live each moment, Kara. Don't miss out on the present by worrying about the future. Trust me. Have a little faith. I am with you always. My love for you is eternal and may you always feel that during times of doubt and despair. Stay in the struggle, Kara. Stay in the struggle. You will know when your time has come. May you wait in joyful hope... patiently waiting for me to reveal my plans for you... to bestow on you the most precious gift... your vocation. For now, carry out the vocation to love and grow in holiness. The greatest gift you can give those you serve is yourself, and you don't need me to tell you whether to be a religious sister to share that gift with others. Go forth. Live the gospel and bring about the Kingdom. Be on the lookout for grace and remember my love for you. Whenever you feel frustrated or abandoned, recall what you are thankful for. I guarantee I was there during those times and may that remind you that I am there during the bad times too. You can't escape my love, Kara. Remember that. As you grow closer to me, and grow in that love... you WILL be whole. The emptiness you feel now will vanish. THAT is my greatest plan for you. Everything else is just commentary.
I LOVE this entry! THANK YOU, Kara!
ReplyDeleteYou're a wonderful young woman and I know, whether that includes being a Sister or not, God has AMAZING plans for your life and I am very privileged to know you!
Wow! Kara, Your amazing, graced ability to look honestly and deeply into your life can't but lead you to more and more light. Thank you for expressing and sharing what most discerners go through, but from your one, wild, unique and precious life's experience. Your courage in sharing the journey energizes me and every reader. You nailed the truth so simply in that line, "You can't escape my Love, Kara." It's the grace of seeing a radical shift: God, not ego, is in the driver's seat. Love, not fear, is your inmost srength.
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